A Recipe For Connection
When I was a child, I would watch hours and hours of The Brady Bunch. I watched every episode, saw the kids grow up, watched Mike and Carol seamlessly parent their blended family– with the help of Alice, of course. Fast Forward to me as an adult in my 40’s, blending families with my partner, who is also a widower. In February 2020, one month before the pandemic hit, we blended (followed by quarantine).
Blending is tricky and messy and takes great patience and understanding on all fronts. I found myself way out of my comfort zone, in a space that was really different for me. I was now living with a teenage boy, my partner's youngest son and let’s be honest, I know nothing about teenage boys. Covid certainly did not help us ease into this huge transition. We all had to navigate a different situation– work from home, homeschooling my daughter, and for my partner's son, starting high school in his bedroom on a computer. On top of all of the pandemic stress, we were all getting to know each other under one roof, learning that parenting looks different for my partner and I. After all, our kids have different needs. My need to over-function and control everything did not help me see these differences easily. I have made so many mis-steps.
Over this past year, a few things have happened that have helped me soften. Through learning and facilitating Heart-Centered practices in my coaching, I found myself leaning into love. Love has always been inside my judgemental tendencies that push love aside at times. I also found that times for connection can happen with my partner’s son organically— with some encouragement on my end.
A few weeks ago, we had some of that organic magic happen. I had ordered dinner ingredients from a local meal delivery service. I asked my partner's son and my daughter to go online with me and each pick a meal that looked good to them. They had no idea I had a secret mission to get them in the kitchen. Ingredients and recipes arrived and he and I worked in the kitchen together preparing dinner. What was so perfect about this is that we both had to follow a recipe for something we had never cooked before. I let him do most of the work (I love getting kids in the kitchen and seeing them get excited and learn how to cook). I would offer some tips now and again and he could take them or leave them. We were able to get some good conversation in, we were talking on a deeper level than we typically do. And the meal came together and he was so proud. We all ate together and those tacos were SO good. The takeaway for me was that all I had to do was let him know I would like to spend time with him. This time happened to be centered on cooking. He had a say in what meal was picked and with it being a new recipe, we were on an equal playing field. There was nothing forced or uncomfortable, just an opportunity to spend time together.
Blending looks different for everyone. I can say with some certainty it most definitely does not look like The Brady Bunch. It is a process that is delicate and also requires some intention and a whole lot of reflection on ourselves. I have learned so much about myself in the past few years and continue to learn and grow. I remember my partner saying, right after we started dating, “There are real beating hearts here.” Each of these hearts in this house has a place in this new family and sometimes finding our place takes time because it looks so different from our original family. There is grief that comes with that and also newness and awareness and hopefully a sense of safety and security helps.
Love has this. Control only appears to have things tidy and neat. Love, my friends– in blended families, in relationships, friendships and most importantly with yourself. Let’s move forward with more love, less critique and judgment. Love brings tenderness, some understanding and with practice empathy. Also, bring some grace with you too because mistakes will happen and that is ok.